Rethinking Facebook: Some reflections

“They have their story, and I have mine.”

These words have been on my mind a lot over the last few months. The idea, as deftly explained in this blog post by a friend of Donald Miller’s, is that we can’t compare ourselves to others, since our respective paths through life are never so parallel. So these words make for a pretty good mantra when browsing Facebook.

I read an article on CNN’s website recently that really resonated with me. (Not something I frequently say about CNN, but hey.) It cited several studies as saying that the more time we spend browsing Facebook, the more likely we are to feel worse about our own lives:

In early 2012, a study out of Utah Valley University also found that many people had a case of the blues after checking Facebook. The researchers talked to a group of 425 students and found correlations between the amount of time people spent checking Facebook and negative feelings about their own lives. The more time their subjects spent on the social network, the higher probability that they would think their friends lived better, happier lives.

In January, a study from Germany found that a third of people felt worse after spending time on Facebook. Seeing updates of friends' successful careers, cute babies and fabulous vacations inspired feelings of envy, loneliness and even anger.

I can sympathize with this. When my Facebook friends post photos of cool vacations, cottage outings, excursions with friends, etc., it’s hard for this introvert to not feel like a pretty boring person by comparison, even though I know that my life is anything but boring. It seems to me that Facebook was designed more for extroverts than introverts, and that the constant pressure to share our experiences runs counter to the way introverts interact with each other.

People put their best foot forward on Facebook – I’m certainly no exception – but the result is that using Facebook has increasingly been feeling like performance art, like I’m trying to come off as a more interesting and extroverted person. When I post some sort of funny status or anecdote, or even a YouTube video of some obscure musical piece, it’s hard not to hope for some kind of reaction. This is an awkward feeling in that we’re usually told we should live life without being worried about what others think of us – but everything we do on Facebook provides the opportunity for “Likes” and comments from others, and it’s hard not to judge the success of one of my Facebook posts according to the number of “Likes” and quality of comments it receives. In other words, the value of what I post on Facebook seems inherently tied to what others think of it, since by definition, I’m posting it to a social media site, and I’m not posting it in a vacuum for my own use.

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Part of the problem, I think, is that Facebook has become a social destination in itself as opposed to a social tool. Ideally, social media should be part of a balanced social life: it provides the ultimate place to see and be seen, but it doesn’t always foster real connection on its own. After I post anything to Facebook, I check that browser tab frequently to see how many comments and “Likes” it's accumulated, but none of it is as satisfying or memorable as a good long-form conversation with a friend, or a dinner outing, or a university event. It’s hard to shake the feeling that I’ve spent too much time browsing and updating Facebook and not enough time being social.

And Facebook is indeed an addicting thing to browse and update: there’s lots of ways to update our profiles to reflect our interests, since it’s both a place to create an online identity and a place for advertisers to play to our interests. It occurred to me recently just how much junk from high school there is on my profile these days: bands I once had a passing interest in, books and movies I read and watched years ago and haven't revisited, and notes and status updates that don’t necessarily reflect who I am today. It’s almost as though Facebook expects you to constantly curate your profile as you change throughout life, but that’s pretty narcissistic in and of itself. Still, if I become Facebook friends nowadays with someone who maybe doesn’t know me all that well, and they look at this stuff, what message does it send about who I am today?

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There’s lots of other arguments to raise in regards to Facebook, such as the ethics of a profit model based on targeted advertisements, the constant cat-and-mouse game of privacy, the contradictions inherent in “Facebook creeping”, the ubiquity of cyber-bullying, etc. Maybe I’ll touch on some of these in a future post.

In the meantime, I’m planning to refocus my use of Facebook. I’ve been removing some of the junk from my profile, but I’ll also pay more attention to what I post and why, and give more attention to social opportunities outside of my computer screen. I might even post photos more frequently, if that proves to be a better way of using this tool to connect with people!

Facebook has certainly been a valuable tool for me: it’s the only way I’m still in touch with various people, and it’s been useful for sharing updates on my health situation (and receiving lots of lovely encouragement in return). But sometimes it feels like it comprises too large a portion of this introvert’s social life.

[Author’s note: This was the first post I started writing in this new wave of blog posts, around July 31st by the looks of it (and before the CNN article was published). It originally sounded a bit apprehensive and depressing, and I hope I’ve succeeded in minimizing this.]

Rethinking blogging: Some reflections

As I hinted in a previous post, I’ve been feeling more compelled to write recently. And blogging seems like the most suitable venue for it! I’ve recently been inspired by Lifehacker posts like this and this, and also by a fascinating article in Scientific American that spoke deeply to this brain-tumour patient. But in a larger sense, as I explained earlier, I’ve been inspired by the growing feeling that I need to create something, and find sources of self-development, motivation, and satisfaction outside of my coursework and co-op job duties. There’s also the fact that I’m currently on crutches and unable to explore Toronto as thoroughly as I had wanted to this summer...but that’s a story for another day!

I’ve been hesitant to use my blog for a while, and I think there’s a few things at play here. First is that back in 2007, when I created this blog, I think I saw it as a fairly simple way of publishing interesting links, with the hope that maybe further discussion would ensue. (Nowadays, of course, I tend to do this on Facebook – but back in 2007, I think links were relegated to a different part of your profile rather than showing up with your statuses and everything else.) Starting in 2009 or so, however, I started to post some more “long-form” writing. University makes you think through everything in a bit more depth, I guess, so this is the path I’d like to continue on, even if the long-form writing looks inconsistent with my earlier blog posts. But the ironic thing here is that university also tends to sap any excess intellectual energy out of me, so it’s made this sort of long-form writing and the ensuing discussion more taxing for me (my deepest apologies, Luke).

The other issue is that I’m toying with the idea of creating a personal website again, but using it more for professional purposes, with these lengthier blog posts and a digital portfolio. So in the meantime, I’ve been hesitant to put more effort into this here Blogger blog. (Really personal blog posts, however, would stay here.) I recently used WordPress to build a new website for my church, and fell in love with it, so I’d want to use WordPress instead of Blogger for the new site. I’d blog about environmental and social-justice issues, like I’ve tended to since 2009, but I’d also like to get into topics of Geomatics and geography, human–computer interaction, and my various discoveries during daily life as a computer geek. In another previous post, I quoted from science-fiction author Bruce Sterling’s column about simplifying your life by getting miscellany out of your time-space. I re-read this piece every now and then, and there’s several things in it that I rather disagree with, but something that always jumps out at me is this point: (emphasis his)

Experiments need to be slotted into some larger context of research, and their results need to be communicated to other practitioners. That's what makes them true "experiments" instead of private fetishes.

If you're buying weird tech gizmos, you need to know what you are trying to prove by that. You also need to tell other people useful things about it. If you are truly experimenting, then you are doing something praiseworthy. You may be wasting some space and time, but you'll be saving space and time for others less adventurous. Good.

If you're becoming a techie magpie packrat who never leaves your couch – that's not good. Forget the shiny gadget. You need to look in the shiny mirror.

The thing about buying weird tech gizmos isn’t particularly relevant to me, as I’m notoriously frugal, and I also spend most of my digital time on my laptop. But it occurs to me that even my laptop exploits can sometimes be considered mere hedonism if there isn’t some intention of sharing my discoveries. That is to say, the various apps I test out for my own purposes and the solutions to random problems I have with Windows might be worth talking about, especially if they can make someone else’s life easier. I don’t intend to become Paul Thurrott or anything, but I think it would be interesting to share random tips I might come across.

So that’s the idea at the moment. Since I’m just not sure I can wait any longer, I’ve been working on a few other blog posts which I'll hopefully share within the next week or so: one on golf, one on the relationship between karma and crutches, and one on rethinking my use of Facebook. I can also think of a couple tech-related blog posts I could write fairly efficiently: one on a little-known-but-pesky Windows Vista bug I investigated a few years ago, and one on my varied opinions of Windows 8 and 8.1. Looking forward to seeing where this goes!

A new era

Note: This is likely to be the most personal post I've had on here. Consider yourself warned.

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So it's now 2013. I'm back in Sarnia for a while, having finished my co-op term in Ottawa. It was a tough term for the four of us, with the illnesses, subsequent deaths, and funerals of both my grandmothers. In the middle of it all, I was also confronted by my own anxiety problems, in ways that I hadn't been before.

But we're back together now, for Christmas. I enjoyed living in Ottawa; don't get me wrong – but I'm relieved the term is over. It's the first time all four of us have been home at the same time since August, and it feels great; it feels exactly the way things are supposed to be.

I've been thinking recently about how far away I am from being the person I want to be. I feel like I need to be more spontaneous, more creative, and certainly more social. I need to get in shape, eat healthier, and get more sleep. I need to be better about maintaining (and starting) friendships, and replying to things within a reasonable amount of time. And I feel like I should be living life more ambitiously, speaking as someone who nearly lost their life and is grateful to still have it.

As I said, I loved living in Ottawa (at least until it started to snow). It's a really livable city, with lots to see and do, and it's picturesque to boot. It sounds obvious, but some of my best memories from my four months in Ottawa came when I got out and did stuff:

• Labour Day, when I went on tours of Parliament Hill, sat overlooking the Ottawa River at sunset, and toured around Sparks Street (and had some awesome poutine)
• The Waterloo alumni event I attended at the National Gallery of Canada (by the way, walking through downtown Ottawa while wearing a suit – walking past the Parliament buildings and Bank of Canada building – feels AMAZING)
• The Saturday in December when I explored downtown Ottawa, saw the new Lincoln film, and walked along the Rideau Canal at night (Ottawa's best poutine might have been involved on this particular day as well)

The point isn't my undying and artery-clogging love of poutine (though that always helps); it's that I could easily have spent this time sitting in front of a computer like I usually do, and the time would have escaped from my grasp without anything to show for it, without any photographs, without any memories made.

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I was on the phone with my parents near the beginning of December, when my grandmother in Cobourg was on her last legs. At one point in the conversation, I must have sighed more loudly than usual: Mom asked me what was wrong, and I mentioned how strange it was that both grandmothers, mainstays of our lives, would suddenly no longer play an active role in it. Mom replied, "Yes; it's a new era."

It is, and likely in more ways than Mom meant. It's the alarming realization that it's just the four of us now – that my parents are now without their parents; that I'm really an adult now, and my own person; that our home in Sarnia is now a place where I spend an occasional weekend, or break between terms; and that I have a professional career now. And back in Ottawa, where no one knew me, a lady at church asked if I was a bachelor or not, and a taxi driver asked if I had a wife. So it's also the realization that I'm at the age where this sort of thing isn't out of the question. And it's the growing feeling that I need to create rather than just consume, that I might develop myself more by doing than by spectating.

For example, I always enjoy writing, even if I don't do a lot of it (as evidenced by this quiet blog). I enjoy stringing words together to create just the right meaning and connotation, and once I'm finished, feeling like I've contributed something that hadn't existed before, something where nothing had previously existed. I have lots of ideas for things to write and create, but I always seem to end up browsing Wikipedia.

So why am I telling you all this? I suppose it's my way of letting you know what's been going on over the last few months, of apologizing for not being a better friend, and asking for your patience as I sort things out. (And it's a way of holding myself accountable!)

It's a new year, and a new era.

A brief history of the past few months, Part I

This is something I’ve been meaning to do for a while now. When I learned about my brain tumour, a friend from church suggested that I write about my experiences. That didn’t happen, but I still think it’s worth chronicling, if only to have a record of it for myself.

Since I wasn’t really keeping track of this stuff as it happened, what follows is, as Margaret Atwood’s heroine Offred would say, a “reconstruction”. I’ll try not to recount every detail of every doctor’s appointment I’ve had, but even so, my condensed version will require a lot of text, so I’ll spare you the eye strain and do this in chunks. Think of it as episodes in a serial medical drama.

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PROLOGUE:

• 2007:
  • I’m talking with friends in the TDCH Commons at lunch, and I realize that it’s hard for me to hear them. I cup my right ear in their direction, and it seems to help.
  • I realize that I’m having a hard time hearing the people who sit to my left on the schoolbus.
  • It’s the TDCH talent show, and I’m working as a stagehand, helping the acts with their microphones as they go on and off the stage. The people working at the sound booth gave me a headset so I could hear their instructions. Except that it was one of those headsets that only has one ear, and it was made for the left ear. By this time, I had a slight suspicion that my left ear was a bit weaker than my right ear ("Just like being left-eye- or right-eye-dominant," I told myself at the time). And sure enough, I could barely understand their instructions, leading to some embarrassing misunderstandings (really embarrassing given that one of the guys on sound – a friend of one of the teachers – was a Juno-nominated producer).
• 2008:
  • I noticed that I was having problems swallowing dry foods like bagels. The stuff seemed to get stuck in the upper part of my throat until I washed it down with water. I had a barium swallow at a nearby hospital, but the images didn’t show anything suspicious.
  • One day, I talked with my grandmother on the phone, and, trying to multitask, I held the phone against my left ear. I could barely make out the words she was saying. I spent the rest of the afternoon lying on the couch – I suppose I was stressed out by it at the time.
• 2009:
  • On the way to a band practice with Dad one morning, I mentioned how I definitely thought my hearing was getting worse; my estimate was that I had lost 15-20% of the hearing in my left ear, and gained a strange hiss in its place. I had a hearing test at the doctor’s office – the most basic hearing test you can imagine. It showed no hearing loss.
  • I was still having problems swallowing, so I was referred to an ENT (ear/nose/throat) specialist in Sarnia. While I was there, I mentioned about my hearing loss, and I had a more sophisticated hearing test there. My estimate of 15-20% turned out to be pretty accurate – but the hearing loss was mainly in the lowest and highest frequencies. Based on this characteristic and the hissing, the ENT specialist suspected that my auditory nerve was damaged, and he sent me for a CT scan at the local hospital.
  • The CT scan didn’t show anything suspicious. So, since it was nerve damage and not eardrum damage, it was the sort of thing no hearing aid could fix – make the sound as loud as you want, and it still won't make it to the brain. I was just going to have to live with the nerve damage and hope it didn’t get worse. I imagined myself walking from class to class at Waterloo that fall, messenger bag slung over my shoulders, trying to be a hip university student, and still having this annoying hiss in my ear.
  • During the early part of the summer, I went for acupuncture to try and fix my hearing. Didn’t work.
  • Oddly enough, once I stopped the acupuncture, my hearing got worse. To the point where I told my classmates at Waterloo that I was basically deaf in my left ear, so if you’re going to walk beside me, walk on my right side if you want me to hear you.
  • My hearing loss didn’t go unmentioned when I would phone my parents from Waterloo. Shortly before Christmas, Mom called the ENT specialist to get me in for another hearing test while I would be home for Christmas. Being the only ENT clinic in Sarnia, they were booked solid, but they said they could squeeze me in when I would be at home for Reading Week.

NEXT TIME…“SWEET! I had forgotten about that!”