So it's now 2013. I'm back in Sarnia for a while, having finished my co-op term in Ottawa. It was a tough term for the four of us, with the illnesses, subsequent deaths, and funerals of both my grandmothers. In the middle of it all, I was also confronted by my own anxiety problems, in ways that I hadn't been before.
But we're back together now, for Christmas. I enjoyed living in Ottawa; don't get me wrong – but I'm relieved the term is over. It's the first time all four of us have been home at the same time since August, and it feels great; it feels exactly the way things are supposed to be.
I've been thinking recently about how far away I am from being the person I want to be. I feel like I need to be more spontaneous, more creative, and certainly more social. I need to get in shape, eat healthier, and get more sleep. I need to be better about maintaining (and starting) friendships, and replying to things within a reasonable amount of time. And I feel like I should be living life more ambitiously, speaking as someone who nearly lost their life and is grateful to still have it.
As I said, I loved living in Ottawa (at least until it started to snow). It's a really livable city, with lots to see and do, and it's picturesque to boot. It sounds obvious, but some of my best memories from my four months in Ottawa came when I got out and did stuff:
- Labour Day, when I went on tours of Parliament Hill, sat overlooking the Ottawa River at sunset, and toured around Sparks Street (and had some awesome poutine)
- The Waterloo alumni event I attended at the National Gallery of Canada (by the way, walking through downtown Ottawa while wearing a suit – walking past the Parliament buildings and Bank of Canada building – feels AMAZING)
- The Saturday in December when I explored downtown Ottawa, saw the new Lincoln film, and walked along the Rideau Canal at night (Ottawa's best poutine might have been involved on this particular day as well)
The point isn't my undying and artery-clogging love of poutine (though that always helps); it's that I could easily have spent this time sitting in front of a computer like I usually do, and the time would have escaped from my grasp without anything to show for it, without any photographs, without any memories made.
***
I was on the phone with my parents near the beginning of December, when my grandmother in Cobourg was on her last legs. At one point in the conversation, I must have sighed more loudly than usual: Mom asked me what was wrong, and I mentioned how strange it was that both grandmothers, mainstays of our lives, would suddenly no longer play an active role in it. Mom replied, "Yes; it's a new era."
It is, and likely in more ways than Mom meant. It's the alarming realization that it's just the four of us now – that my parents are now without their parents; that I'm really an adult now, and my own person; that our home in Sarnia is now a place where I spend an occasional weekend, or break between terms; and that I have a professional career now. And back in Ottawa, where no one knew me, a lady at church asked if I was a bachelor or not, and a taxi driver asked if I had a wife. So it's also the realization that I'm at the age where this sort of thing isn't out of the question. And it's the growing feeling that I need to create rather than just consume, that I might develop myself more by doing than by spectating.
For example, I always enjoy writing, even if I don't do a lot of it (as evidenced by this quiet blog). I enjoy stringing words together to create just the right meaning and connotation, and once I'm finished, feeling like I've contributed something that hadn't existed before, something where nothing had previously existed. I have lots of ideas for things to write and create, but I always seem to end up browsing Wikipedia.
So why am I telling you all this? I suppose it's my way of letting you know what's been going on over the last few months, of apologizing for not being a better friend, and asking for your patience as I sort things out. (And it's a way of holding myself accountable!)
It's a new year, and a new era.
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